For the last month or so the internet has been flooded with mock drafts. Some writers do 3 or 4 different mock drafts which either change one or two things here and there or totally find themselves on the opposite spectrum from where they once stood. Is it over-done? Probably. One would say it’s over-done to the point of exhaustion, but there is obviously an audience for it or it wouldn’t be done in such abundance. This mock draft is a “lighter side” of what the importance of draft day may mean to many. In no way is this draft being done to discredit the work and countless hours put in by those who take this seriously and handle it exceptionally well. If you want in-depth and worth-while draft analysis, there will be a list of those folks at the end of this draft that you can follow on twitter.
With that being said, here it is: “My Mockery of a Mock Draft.”
1st Pick: Tampa Bay Buccanneers – Nobody should ever listen to nonsensical rumors put out by Ron Jaworski. This is the same guy who said at the start of last year that Colin Kapernick was on his way to becoming the best player in the NFL. Okay. . . Jaws put out a rumor that the Bucs would probably end up taking Mariota – not likely. Bucs don’t think too hard about this one and knew that as soon as Jameis Winston announced his eligibility for the draft, that’s who they were taking.
Jameis Winston, Florida State
2nd Pick: San Diego Chargers – The Chargers decide to trade Philip Rivers and their first round pick to the Tennessee Titans for their second overall pick and a fourth rounder. The Titans reunite head coach Ken Whisenhunt with Philip Rivers and Rivers gets a team with young wide receivers and a place NOT looking to move to Los Angeles. The Chargers decide to enter the realms of “below mediocre” by drafting Marcus Mariota and in the long run, making head coach Mike McCoy’s light dim faster than anyone would’ve thought.
Marcus Mariota, Orgeon
3rd Pick: Chicago Bears – The Jags want a running back and the Bears are currently over-paying one. The Bears trade Matt Forte and their seventh overall pick to the Jaguars and select Dante Fowler of Florida. Many will fault the Bears for not taking one of the stud wide receivers or USC’s defensive end Leonard Williams, but the Bears’ new regime wants to build it’s 3-4 defense and see Fowler as the athletic linebacker who can be their guy for years to come. Only time will tell . . .
Dante Fowler, Florida
4th Pick: Oakland Raiders – Oakland knows they want a wide receiver here – but which one? That’s easy, because according to Raiders’ logic you go with the faster guy. Kevin White is the man chosen to be paired up with Derek Carr for the long run.
Kevin White, West Virgina
5th Pick: Washington Redskins – The Redskins have no idea what to do here. After a phone call from Jon Gruden to Jay Gruden is made, the Redskins decided to draft Leonard Williams, the defensive end out of USC, who ultimately will go down as the guy the Bears should’ve drafted.
Leonard Williams, USC
6th Pick: Minnesota Vikings – The Jets kinda want Amari Cooper, but they fiddle around on the phone lines and see if there are any takers. The Vikings call and give the Jets their first rounder, third rounder and the bust named Cordaralle Patterson. The Jets figure with Patterson they have a special teams guy and gadget play guy – but the 1st and 3rd rounder are too much to resist. At first it seems as if the Vikings over pay, but like the Raiders, they pair they quarterback of the future with a can’t miss wide receiver prospect in Cooper.
Amari Cooper, Alabama
7th Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars – When the clock starts ticking on the Jags, they regret not getting an extra pick out of the Bears. They decide to give Paul Posluszny some help on defense and draft linebacker Vic Beasley. Smart move because it screws the team next up on the clock.
Vic Beasley, Clemson
8th Pick: Atlanta Falcons – Beasley is who the Falcons wanted initially but now are left to number two on their list. They draft Shane Ray out of Missouri which doesn’t help this pathetic defense at all. Shane Ray probably never becomes a starter and the Falcons are still terrible.
Shane Ray, Missouri
9th Pick: New York Giants – The Giants select an offensive lineman. The Giants are boring. They actually don’t want to draft anything but lineman this entire draft. Weirdos.
Brandon Scherff, Iowa
10th Pick: Cleveland Browns – The Browns had tried moving up for Cooper or White but teams did not like their offers that included Johnny Manziel and they have a feeling that the Jets at pick 11 would take Nelson Agholor so the Browns make the jump up to take him and trade to the Rams their first and third round picks. It’s a high price to pay for the 4th or 5th best wideout in the draft, who won’t catch more than 40 passes this year because this team is just awful – but come on, it’s the Browns.
Nelson Agholor, USC
11th Pick: New York Jets – The Jets send a text to Cleveland after they pick that reads “We didn’t want Agholor.” They draft Devante Parker, who should pair up nicely with the veteran wideouts the Jets already have in Decker and Marshall.
Devante Parker, Louisville
12th Pick: St. Louis Rams – The Rams are tired of being that “good but not good enough” team and they play with the idea of drafting Todd Gurley but decide to go with a tackle for reasons unbeknown to anyone.
Ereck Flowers, Miami
13th Pick: New Orleans Saints – The Saints know that they’re team stinks so they decide to take one of the biggest gambles in the draft and take Randy Gregory. Gregory had a failed drug test and is for all accounts addicted to marijuana. This is too easy of a segue to say one of those “Saints chances go up in smokes with Gregory” lines so, we’ll let it go. . .
Randy Gregory, Nebraska
14th Pick: Miami Dolphins – No big deal here, they needed secondary help and they have their choice of the best corners on the market. They go with the product out of Washington though, Marcus Peters, which makes Trae Waynes (who was invited to the Draft in Chicago) shake his head and take a sip from his drink like Kermit the Frog in those memes.
Marcus Peters, Washington
15th Pick: Philadelphia Eagles – Don’t let him fool you, Chip Kelly wanted Marcus Mariota. He couldn’t make a deal happen with anybody for it to happen and he’s been steaming for over an hour. When it gets to him that San Francisco wants Arik Armstead, Kelly flips out in total frustration and makes a deal with San Fran. The two swap teams and Chip Kelly apparently tells San Fran he will trade his best offensive weapon to them at the end of the 2015 season. Kelly will do anything to get his Oregon men.
Arik Armstead, Oregon
16th Pick: Houston Texans – Bill O’Brien and the Texans were on the phones with New Orleans for a while in a move that would move Drew Brees to Houston, but nothing comes of it. Texans realize they are going to have to ride with “it is what it is” potential of Ryan Mallet and/or Brian Hoyer at the quarterback position and add depth to their secondary in the process.
Trae Waynes, Michigan State
17th Pick: San Diego Chargers – The Chargers now have Marcus Mariota and no idea where to go with their 17th pick. If the Titans played a little more hardball, the Chargers would’ve thrown this pick into the Mariota deal, but instead the Chargers take running back Todd Gurley. The Chargers figure if this is truly a rebuild, they will go with a quarterback with questionable NFL skill and a running back coming off injury. Thank God they have those sweet powder blue throwback jerseys though.
Todd Gurley, Georgia
18th Pick: Kansas City Chiefs – The Chiefs will probably be terrible in 2015. No other team behind them wants to move into their spot and they have nothing to trade (although those sneaky devils from Dallas tried trading for Jamaal Charles). They just decide to take the best player on their board.
Eddie Goldman, Florida State
19. Cleveland Browns – The Browns are reckless and that’s why we love them. The Browns decide to come out of nowhere and draft Devin Funchess out of Michigan. Funchess won’t burn anybody, but he has great hands and gets to the height of the ball. Good luck getting touches in this offense though.
Devin Funchess, Michigan
20. Philadelphia Eagles – Reluctantly, Chip Kelly goes and drafts a player who is not on offense and is not from Oregon.
Landon Collins, Alabma
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Marvin Lewis gets an extension although he’s never won a playoff game. The Bengals are obviously drunk this entire off-season and draft and select defensive end Henry Anderson and laugh hysterically because it the name reminds them of the movie “Harry and the Hendersons.” Every representative of the Bengals is asked to leave Chicago.
Henry Anderson, Stanford
22. Pittsburgh Steelers – The Rooney family is upset the draft is not taking place in New York, because they wanted to be close to their casino in Yonkers, Empire City – to celebrate their pick, which might end up being the steal of the draft in offensive lineman, D.J. Humphries.
DJ Humphries, Florida
23. Detroit Lions – Detroit defiantly drafts Danny Shelton out of Washington. Hoping it fills the void left by Ndamokong Suh. Bears fans in Chicago moan, because it won’t fill the void, but it’ll do just enough. . .
Danny Shelton, Washington
24. Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals were in trade talks with the Jets who wanted to take a chance on UCLA quarterback Brett Hundely in this spot. The Cardinals were going to do it, but decided that taking Hundley is actually a good idea for a team that was riddled with injury in quarterback depth last season. The Cardinals text the Jets afterwards “No hard feelings, K?”
Brett Hundley, UCLA
25. Carolina Panthers – Thrilled that Peat is still on the board, the Panthers look to bolster a line that needs more of a push up front. Cam Newton was hit way too much last year. Peat can be a starter for the next ten years in Carolina.
Andrus Peat, Stamford
26. Baltimore Ravens – The Ravens would’ve loved to get one of the top three wideouts in the draft but just didn’t have the tools to make it happen. Instead they don’t reach and they draft the best player available, La’el Collins of LSU.
La’el Collins, LSU
27. Dallas Cowboys – Everyone expects the Cowboys to draft Melvin Gordon here, but instead they do the smart thing and draft linebacker Bud Depree out of Kentucky. He may lack a “motor” but he has great athleticism to help bolster this defense. It’s not a sexy pick for the Cowboys but it’s the smarter pick. Plus, with a name like “Bud” it kind of sounds like he belongs in the state of Texas.
Bud Depree, Kentucky
28. New York Jets – The Jets become unnecessarily nervous about not getting Brett Hundley and still having Geno Smith at quarterback. They trade their second and fourth round pick to Denver to draft Bryce Petty out of Baylor. Petty can own a room and will work the New York media at first — but prove he can’t own a huddle and get worked out of the starting job by week 4. Come on, Jets. . .
Bryce Petty, Baylor
29. Indianapolis Colts – Colts decide on a corner at this spot. The Colts are a weird team this year – Andrew Luck is a gem but a lot of wholes elsewhere. This may be the year Luck flips out and says “Give me and Hilton more help.”
Byron Jones, UConn
30. Green Bay Packers – The Packers make a move that helps solidify the middle of the defense by selecting Shaq Thompson. Teaming up the athletic and aggressive Thompson with Clay Matthews ends up being a nightmare. For the second time tonight in Chicago, Bears fans let out a disgruntled moan. . .
Shaq Thompson, Washington
31. New Orleans Saints – The team may have reached, but they go after a sort of hybrid pass rusher out of Virgina. Drew Brees is bummed out because he almost got traded and then when he got over that, he was hoping the team would draft wide receiver Jalen Strong out of Arizona State.
Eli Harold, Virginia
32. Minnesota Vikings – The Patriots held the last pick in the first round and realize that although they just won a Super Bowl, their window for winning another is quickly approaching. The Bill Belichick and Tom Brady era has about two or three years at most left – so why not go for broke? The Patriots decided to trade their first pick for veteran running back Adrian Peterson, who wants out of Minnesota. The Vikings, who already gave Bridgewater, Amari Cooper in this draft, decide to give him help in the backfield and it ISN’T Melvin Gordon. The Vikings draft Duke Johnson, who ultimately ends up being the best back out of this class. . . Bears fans never want the draft in Chicago ever again.
Duke Johnson, Miami
Thanks for checking out my “tongue in cheek” mock draft – hope you enjoyed it. For all “real” draft analysis – check out these fine writers:
Joe Wedra @JoeWedra
Justin Higdon @AFC2NFC
Montell Hardy @MontelNFL
Vance Meek @vancemeek
Josh Zimmer @JZimmer_NFL
Bill Carroll @elevenbravo138
Brandon Pemberton @BrandonOnSports