Here is my disclaimer:
I am not a draft guru. I don’t pretend to be. Eh, I kind of pretend to be at least. . . Regardless, if you want REAL breakdowns of NFL draft prospects – check out the following guys: Josh Zimmer (@JZimmer_NFL), Montel Hardy (@MontelNFL), Joe Wedra (@JoeWedra) and Justin Higdon (@afc2nfc). Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s proceed with the ridiculous! (Only doing the first two rounds)
- Titans – The obvious, no brainer pick. The Titan’s think they have a franchise quarterback in Marcus Mariota, so it makes perfect sense to select Ole Miss, left tackle Laremy Tunsil.
- Browns – Does it really matter who they pick? No, it doesn’t. They just signed RG3, but is that really signing a starting quarterback? Who knows. They’ll still take Carson Wentz, quarterback out of North Dakota State. Keep in mind, every single division one college could’ve had this guy. . . or at least that’s what I tell myself. He played for North Dakota State. . . And killed it, at North Dakota State. We know nothing about the state of North Dakota except that there is a south to it apparently.
- Chargers – An interesting team. Do we root for them purely for their powder blue jerseys? Probably. Why not, those jerseys are probably the flyest things you can purchase on NFLshop.com. I have a powder blue Rivers jersey, it’s beautiful. Usually I rock it with grey sweats, grey sneakers and a powder blue hat. The pick? Does it matter, really? They’ll over-shoot the value of Oregon defensive end, DeForest Buckner who’ll end up being a bust.
- Cowboys – They need defense. Sure. But they also know that with a good running back behind this offensive line, they can go back to being the offense they were before last season. In a surprise move they take Ohio State running back Ezekiel Elliot.
- Jaguars – The Jags can score, they just need to stop other teams from doing it to them. They go after UCLA’s linebacker, Myles Jack. A great athlete who can make up for some of the holes in this defense
- Ravens – They keep giving money to Joe Flacco, because they love living in a world of mediocrity. Protect that mediocre investment with Notre Dame tackle Ronnie Staley.
- 49ers – Kapernick realizes there are worse things in the world like playing for a this team and being coached by Chip Kelly – like chewing tin foil. So he sticks it around, mostly because nobody else will pay him what he’s owed. They take Shaq Lawson out of Clemson, which is funny because they should’ve taken the better defender out of Clemson Kevin Dodd.
- Eagles – Funny, they pick right after Chip Kelly does. They lock up Florida corner back Vernon Hargreaves.
- Bucs – Call the 49ers real quick to thank them. They select Clemson’s Kevin Dodd.
- Lions – Giants general manager Jerry Reese is on the hot seat. Spent a lot of money on defense in the off-season and was really hoping for Ezekiel Elliot to drop to number 10. Calls Detroit for a swap of picks – Detroit wants to fill that defensive tackle spot so they take Alabama’s A’Shawn Robinson.
- Bears – Everyone the Bears wanted, Hargreaves, Robinson and Staley are gone. They remember they have a corner in Kyle Fuller who is awful, so they select Florida State’s Jalen Ramsey in hopes of something better.
- Saints – Nobody knows why Sean Payton and Drew Brees are still here. They go after Leornard Floyd, linebacker out of Georgia – who will end up being a good building block for them, when they realize they stink and should be rebuilding.
- Dolphins – They are tempted to take a receiver here but they have two young ones in DeVante Parker and Jarvis Landry who should be okay moving forward. Only issue is that this poor team still thinks Ryan Tannehill is a true franchise quarterback. In a surprisingly smart move, they take Houston corner William Jackson III.
- Raiders – Ignore the red flags and take Robert Nkemdiche, out of Ole Miss. The gamble will pay off in the long run for the boys in silver and black.
- Rams – They think they got lucky with Cal quarterback Jared Goff, dropping to them but much to their dismay he turns out to be horrible at playing quarterback. In a surprising twist he can hold a clipboard and root his teammates on from the sidelines really well, so there’s that. . .
- Giants – Much like the Rams, the Giants think they’ve gotten lucky that Ohio State linebacker Joey Bosa has fallen to them. But they realize by week three Bosa can get shoved around a lot and doesn’t play as “big” as he did for Ohio State. Jerry Reese goes on twitter and starts to write childish memes about Joey Bosa before being fired by the Giants half way through the season.
- Falcons – The Falcons continue the love for Ohio State in the first round and select corner Eli Apple.
- Colts – Realizing that their overall talent and depth chart are extremely underwhelming – they decide to put this entire season on the shoulders of a healthy Andrew Luck. They help him out by drafting Ole Miss wide out Laquon Treadwell.
- Bills – Rex Ryan don’ care. Takes a sure bust in Ohio State linebacker Darron Lee.
- Jets – Funny how the Jets draft after Ryan, huh? The Jets traded for Ryan Clady because of the retirement of left tackle D’Brickshaw Ferguson. Clady is a veteran and the Jets are a little paranoid. So they go after Ohio State’s (yes, another Buckeye) Taylor Decker, who is more of a right tackle, than left – there is enough value in the potential of him moving forward for the Jets to feel this is the best move now.
- Redskins – Don’t look now, but the Redskins actually have a pretty decent squad. This allows the Redskins to take a gamble on injured Notre Dame linebacker Jaylon Smith.
- Chiefs – After swapping picks with the Texans, the Chiefs decide to draft wide receiver Will Fuller out of Notre Dame.
- Vikings – The Vikings draft wide receiver Michael Thomas out of Ohio State. No cute story here or anything, they just need wide receivers.
- Bengals – They need wide receiver’s too, to help opposite of AJ Green, they go after TCU’s Josh Doctson.
- Steelers – Tempted to go wide receiver here as well, they decide instead to help out a secondary that was destroyed last year and draft Clemson corner back, Mackensie Alexander.
- Seahawks – The rich get richer, the Seahawks add an inside linebacker to their rotation in Alabama’s Reggie Ragland.
- Packers – The Packers need someone in that defensive tackle spot, they knew Alabama’s Jarran Reed would be here, so it’s a no brainer. Deep down, they were hoping Robert Nkemdiche would’ve dropped to them. Tough luck, Wisconsin.
- Vikings – Minnesota wants back in, so they trade their second and third round picks to the Texans. Vikings go wide receiver again, to help out their quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. They select Baylor’s Corey Coleman.
- Cardinals – They have the coolest coach in the league in Bruce Arians. Emmanuel Ogbah, defensive end from O.K. State is still there. Arians now turns from the draft, lights up a cigar and turns on the radio. Straight chillin’.
- Panthers – Carolina is pissed off. They thought they’d get one of the receivers they wanted so they could pair him up with a healthy Kelvin Benjamin. Instead they get Sterling Shepard out of Oklahoma. He’s not the biggest of guys, but he’s got what it takes to be a slot receiver in this league for a long time.
- Broncos – They still don’t have a quarterback. In a surprise move John Elway and the Broncos lock in on Mississippi State’s quarterback Dak Prescott. His DUI is scaring some team’s off, but Elway sees a natural leader who can make minimal mistakes with the football.
Second Round – This one will be quick
32. Browns – The Browns need a receiver but totally force the issue and overshoot the value of Pitts’ Tyler Boyd.
33. Titans – Jason Spriggs, guard out of Indiana to help continue the protection of this supposed “franchise” quarterback, Marcus Mariota.
34.Cowboys – Many don’t know about Maryland’s defensive end Yannick Ngakoue, but they will. Bonus: Cowboys snag another running back in the fourth round, Alabama’s Kenyan Drake. The Boys are going to move the chains a lot this year. . .
35. Chargers – They love the versatility of Ohio State’s Braxton Miller and role the dice on someone who could potentially have the play maker ability of a healthy Percy Harvin.
36.Ravens – Derrick Henry, Alabama running back, helps this team get back to just running the ball.
37. 49ers – Joshua Garnett, guard out of Stamford. Has potential to become a ten year starter. That’s unless the 49ers kill this kid’s passion to play football and he retires early. . .
38. Jaguars – Follow suit and take a guard, this time it’s Washington State’s Cody Whitehair.
39. Bucs – Boise State has a guy named Kamalei Correa. . . sure, why not?
40. Giants – Reese just can’t catch a break. Wanted Elliot in the first round, then wanted Henry in the second. Couldn’t get either and settles for Utah running back Devonte Booker.
41. Jets – Jets trade Mo Wilkerson to the Bears for a second round pick. After the Jets select Louisville defensive tackle Sheldin Rankins , the Bears realize they could’ve done the same thing and saved money. . .Bonus: the Bears have the steal in the draft when in the fifth round they select tight end Tyler Higbee out of Western Kentucky. . . BearDown!
42. Dolphins – Keanu Neal, safety out of Florida. Miami keeps the in-state talent.
43. Rams – Xamien Howard, corner out of Baylor will easily fill the void left by Janoris Jenkins.
44. Raiders – Raiders like the versatility of USC safety Su’a Cravens.
45. Rams – Take Texas A&M tackle, Germain Ifedi.
46. LIons – Go after a defensive end, Shilique Calhoun out of Michigan State. There are about three better options at this position, but y’know, it’s Detroit.
47. Saints – Go after defensive end, Sheldon Day, out of Notre Dame. There are two better options at this position, but y’know, it’s Detro— er, New Orleans.
48. Colts – Makes sense for the Colts to draft Alabama center, Ryan Kelly here – let him grow with Luck for years to come.
49. Bills – Look at Boston College safety, Justin Simmons.
50. Falcons – Need some youth at pass rusher – they select Noah Spence out of Eastern Kentucky.
51. Jets – Jets roll the dice with quarterback Paxton Lynch out of Memphis. Although Ryan Fitzpatrick has been signed back to the Jets (in this fantasy world) the organization knows Fitzy is not the “future,” and neither are Bryce Petty or Geno Smith.
52. Texans – Decide to finally draft somebody and to no-one’s surprise, Bill O’Brien snags the kid he coached at Penn State, quarterback Christian Hackenberg.
53. Redskins – Redskins draft the brother of Bears corner back Kyle Fuller – Kendall Fuller out of Virginia Tech. The Redskins hope they got the better Fuller.
54. Texans – Previously the Vikings pick, the Texans decide to select the slightly undersized yet speedy defensive end Jonathan Bullard out of Florida.
55. Bengals – UCLA D-tackle Kenny Clark gets selected by Cincy.
56. Seahawks – Utah State has two linebackers of pretty equal quality to take here, Kyler Frackell and Nick Vigil. They flip a coin, heads is Frackell.
57. Packers – The penny pinching Packers pick up the quarter left on the ground by the Seahawks and draft Nick Vigil out of Utah State.
58. Steelers – Select Boise State safety Darian Thompson.
59. Chiefs – Snatch up the instinctive Arizona linebacker Scooby Wright, who ends up being a nice rotational piece on an NFL defense.
60. Patriots – After having to sit out the first round, the Pats get back to back picks. Cornerback out of Oklahoma, Zack Sanchez is the pick here.
61. Patriots – Alex McCallister out of Florida will try to pick up where Chandler Jones left off.
62. Panthers – In a surprise reach, the Panthers nab Umass wide receiver Tajae Sharpe. Bonus: In the sixth round they snatch up Tennessee wide out Marquez North, who proves to be the best of the three receivers they got this year.
63. Broncos – Kenneth Dixon, running back out of Louisiana Tech.
That does it. Only two rounds and I’m beat. You got to give credit to the guys who can do this for all seven rounds. Anyhow, hope you can tell who I liked and didn’t like and who’s fortunes I hope turn around and who I hope sinks to the bottom.
Most importantly – hope you were at least entertained.