The Only Column That Matters: July 2016. . .
Where do we start this week? With Donald Trump obviously. Eh, not really – but let’s talk about the Republican National Convention (or as the cool trust-fund kids call it “The RNC”). Everyone’s favorite NFL bust, Tim Tebow was rumored to be a speaker at this year’s RNC but Tebow only confirmed that it was indeed just a “rumor.” Tebow is said to be a future possibility in the Republican party down the line, but man, we’re not promised tomorrow and this would’ve been something we all could’ve enjoyed. Trump has been accused of turning the presidential race into a circus while Tim Tebow is the ring-leader of any media-driven-circus. It would’ve been great to see hard-core Christians who support Tebow in everything he does be in the same room as Trump enthusiasts who can sometimes be obnoxiously loud and obtuse. . .
It’s amazing when rich people just make up their own issues. We are also in awe when we talk about “power couples” in our country. . . and an American sweetheart. Well this story has it all. . . When Kanye West released his song “Famous” he had the line: “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex/I made that b*tch famous/ I made that b*tch famous.” This was of course in reference to pop/country singer Taylor Swift who Kanye West basically told, while she was accepting an award “Shut up, you’re not better than Beyonce.” After the song was released Taylor was playing the role of the offended-yet-strong-minded-young-woman who looks down on those who must speak to women in such a way. . . As many of us already knew, Taylor was being fake as f…. Kanye’s wife, Kim Kardashian leaked a video of Kanye speaking to Taylor about the lyrics and her being perfectly fine with it. Aye, Taylor. We all kind of knew she was phony already, but to be exposed by Kanye and Kim – eesh, it’d be best if she just lay low for a while. Swift is set to sue Kanye for illegally recording the conversation, and I’m pretty sure Kim will handle this bill as well. . .
This has nothing to do with nothing, but what’s up with people’s obsession with the beach? I understand, it’s the “Summer thing” to do and all, but why? The beach has sand which is arguably the worst substance the Earth has ever created. I think I still have sand in a Jansport book bag I took to the beach with me three years ago. When sand is dry it’s hot as all hell and when sand is wet it’s basically mud – why would my feet want any part of that? The fact that people actually drive to a sandy location, to lay-down in the smoldering heat, then pack everything up and go home after is a baffling series of events to me. We buy air conditioners and fans in the Summer because the heat is too much. As soon as you get home from the beach you wash off the disgusting sweat and “beach-smell” off of you and sit in an air-conditioned room. What’s wrong with you people?
How useless is this four-game suspension put on Tom Brady? According to Pro Football Talk – very useless. If anything, it just keep Brady “fresher” in the season and might actually increase the Patriots chances of going to the Super Bowl. You see, the Pats are still -200 favorite to win the AFC East (for you non-gamblers out there, that means in order to win $100, you’d have to risk $200.) They are also a 6-1 favorite to win the Super Bowl. The suspension is stupid. This basically says, in the world of the NFL, that if Tom Brady hit his wife or was caught doing drugs, it’s the same punishment for deflating a football that nobody can even definitively tell if it gives teams an advantage or not. Is Tom Brady on Instagram or Twitter? If he is, he should pull a huge douche move and every Sunday post pictures of him and his wife in bed counting stacks of cash laughing and being the perfect human beings that they are. . .
What’s the score in this Joe Budden versus Drake beef? Currently, Budden is winning three to a half. Yes, a half. But, if nobody hears the beef did the beef even happen? Exactly. Although, Budden is lyrically destroying Drake, all the Toronto native has to do is ignore it until it goes away. It’s an unfair position but it’s the truth. Drake gives life to Joe Budden if he tries to do a “Back to Back, Pt.2.” Drake also must know deep inside, this is a battle he can’t win. It all won’t matter in the end because Drake is killing the game right now with mindless, dance-hall infused, rap (?) music. . .
If nobody else will say it, I will: Can we please be done with any and everything that involves future projects with Kevin James? Yes, on the onset he looks like one of those happy-go-lucky, nice guys you want to have a beer with at a bar, but in reality he’s a class A jackass (allegedly) and his humor has a ceiling. That ceiling was in “King of Queens” where he shined, even among the talented cast around him. James is slated to have a new sitcom entitled “Kevin Can Wait.” He’s apparently a retired officer with a family in this comedy and once again he’s married to a woman who is obviously out of his league (the actress Erinn Hayes). He’ll be another bumbling, fumbling moron, who’s mindset is simplistic and gets himself into “comedic situations” that he’ll get out of by ways of the “puppy dog eyes and ‘I’m sorry’ routine” or the good ol’ “fat guy got lucky” routine. The act is tired and so am I, see you guys next month with the next edition of The Only Column That Matters.
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